Letters from a Dark Lord
by angua27
Summary: Part 5 Up! LoTR/HP crossover. Saruman and Voldemort begin their correspondence through the pen pals section of
1. Part 1

Letters from a Dark Lord: Part 1  
By: Angua27 (aka Cousin Funf - a member of the Uruk-hai hotties)  
  
I put this up and was so happy because someone actually read these. And liked them! This is my first fanfic on the 'net so R/R and stuff. Basically, this is what I do during German, Spanish, and Business. So I'm sorry if I frighten you. Okay, just wanted to let you know that I don't own any of these characters, but I bet you hear that all the time. (Yells at Samwise to stay in his cage) Hope you enjoy!  
  
  
Dear Voldemort,  
Hi! My name's Saruman. The other day I was browsing through my latest edition of "Dark Lords Weekly" and I came across the penpals section. Now ever since my dark citadel at Isengard fell I've had nothing to do but play tic-tac-toe with my orcs (and I haven't won yet!). So anyway, I've had a lot of time on my hands...and you seemed to fit me the best.  
I see under your interests you put "torturing people smaller than me, laughing maniacally, using unforgivable curses, and collecting butterflies." I enjoy all of those things too, except for one, but I suppose I would like using unforgivable curses if I knew what they were. And of course we're both dark lords. Actually I've been having a bit of trouble with the hole dark lord thing. I've never been a supreme dark lord or anything because this dude Sauron keeps messing up my plans to overthrow Middle Earth. I mean really, this guy has like nine riders and I have armies of 10,000 orcs - and he's supposed to be more evil than me. It's sooooo not fair! Well, I guess you know how it is. It's all pretty pointless anyway since this halfling destroyed Sauron's ring. He's such a big baby! It wasn't even the right ring and he gets all upset and disappears. I actually have the real ring, but I can't figure out how to work it. It just keeps filling this one room in my citadel up with classical music and cotton candy. I don't see how that's supposed to help me rule the world. But sooner or later they'll have to accept me. We do live in a fantasy world, and it's just crying out for a dark lord. They need me.   
Anyway, write back soon! Send it to Isengard.  
Peace Out,  
Saruman  
P.S: Cool name!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Dear Saruman,  
Glad you like the name. If you mix up the letters of "Tom Marvolo Riddle" (my old muggle name) you get "I am Lord Voldemort." I came up with that in the good old days when I used to write good dark lord names in the margins of my History of Magic notebook. I actually wanted my name to be "Supreme ruler of all Britain and a few small provinces in Canada," but my name doesn't have enough letters so Voldemort it is.  
You have 10,000 orcs?! That's pretty wicked. I have some death eater homies that hang out with me sometimes. Don't you think it sucks that we get the short deal all the time? It wouldn't matter if we had 3 million orcs and 5 million death eaters because we'd still loose. I mean you're up against a - what did you call it? - halfling, and I'm fighting a teenager. It's not like they're actually very difficult to beat. It's just that whole "good must win" rule in the dark lords handbook. I'm thinking of writing an article about it for "Dark Lords Weekly." I'd really like to get that changed. The Guild of Dark Lords is getting really lax. Maybe I'll even run for guild leader next election.  
I was wondering if I could have Sauron's address. It would be kind of cool to talk to a supreme dark lord. I'm the only dark lord in my world, but I do have this dribbling servant called Wormtail. He can be a real riot sometimes. Especially when I feed my pet snake Nagini her dinner. I guess he has a problem with seeing rats get eaten.   
Write me back soon!  
Your New Bud,  
Voldie  
  
  
  
  
  
Dear "Voldie,"  
I was so happy to get your letter! And the owl was really cool, but I think it was a bit tired from the distance. I'm really sorry, but one of my orcs ate the owl. It's okay though 'cos I'm sending this letter with an orc (I made him myself). But I'm really sorry about it anyhow.  
I'm sorry, but I can't really give you Sauron's addy. He may be able to read your letters, but he can't write because he's just a really big eyeball. Lidless and wreathed in flames (he always makes me add that part). You can go to www.Imahottie.mor though and visit the Uruk-hai (that's orcs) website. They're still working on it and it's pretty bad because they're illiterate.  
You know, you're pretty good with words. I like the name "death eater." It's pretty cool. Have you ever considered writing poetry? Speaking of creativity, do you like my picture? It's a picture I drew of me (I'm the one with the pointy hat) and this really groovy hobbit named Fatty. He wants to be a dark lord too and you can email him at gentlehobbit@theshire.com. We're both smoking pipeweed, which is excellent stuff. I'll send you some Longbottom leaf with the orc.   
Did you ssay your dribbling servant is Wormtail? That's really like...mystic ...'cos my dribbling servant's name is Wormtongue. Wow. That's heavy.  
Write back.  
Peace Out,  
Sharkey  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Dear Sharkey,  
Did you get the latest issue of "Dark Lords Weekly?" I really liked the article about parenthood and being a dark lord. I mean, it's not like I have to worry about it, but it is an underdiscussed topic. How do you balance children and taking over small planets? It's very difficult. You'll have to check it out. It's by D. Vader.  
That is really weird about our servants. We'll have to meet sometime. Perhaps for tea and crumpets...or scones. I like scones. Maybe our foes can meet too. Harry and I are pretty close buds now. We're not, like, best friends or anything, but that's his fault. He can't seem to get over the fact that I killed his parents and then went after him. Why can't a guy change, you know? He's just so damn stubborn.  
I drew a picture too. Mine is of me and Dumbly. Dumbledore is another wizard, but he is on the side of Good. It's really a shame because he has a lot of break dancing talent. Oh, by the way, I really enjoyed the pipeweed. The orc was rather frightening. He certainly gave the citizens of Little Hangleton a scare! I'll send my letter back with the orc, but please don't send him again. Don't worry about the owl.  
BFF,  
Voldie  
  
  
P.S: Have your halfling send a letter with yours so I can give it to Harry.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Dear Voldie,  
It took me forever to get your last letter. The orc was shaking and kept repeating something about "multi-colored peace signs." It sounds like something your see with pipeweed. I'm afraid the orc will never be the same again...which is good. I'll send my next letter with Fatty.  
Do you often go break dancing with Dumbledore? Every now and then I go to the local club over in Gondor. Most of the time they just give me strange looks. But that's just like you and Harry. The people of Gondor give me no credit. I haven't set the orcs on them for, like, three months and they still hate me. Basically, I'm a good guy. That King Aragorn just remembers all the times I tried to kill him and his buddies. But you're right - people change.  
Things have been pretty quiet around here lately. A lot of the elves are leaving (good riddance!) and the young ents have taken to getting drunk and egging my citadel. I'm thinking of moving to Mordor, but King Aragorn gave this halfling Samwise Gamgee. Ever since, he's been planting all kinds of flowers. I think he's just trying to get out of the house. He has 13 kids! I hear his wife's a nag too.  
I asked Frodo if he wanted to write to Harry and all he said was "My pipeweed!" Then he ran away. And to think I was trying to be nice.  
Fatty's in a hurry so write soon.  
Peace Out,  
Sharkey  
P.S: I enclosed a picture.  
  
  
  
To be CoNTINUed...  
'cos the Dark Lords just can't shut up. 


	2. Part 2 (yes there's more)

Letters from a Dark Lord: Part 2  
By: Angua27  
  
Okay, same drill as last time. I don't own anyone (except maybe Samwise and Professor Lupin, but they don't really come into this story). Sorry I can't get the doodles on here. It looks better in my notebook. Hope you like. R/R  
  
Dear Sharkey,  
I just got your letter and I'm in a hurry to send it - or rather Fatty - back. He's eaten practically everything in my cupboard. He also smoked all the pipeweed and complains there's no more. I told him that we don't have pipeweed here, although we do have Longbottoms, but he just bit my ankle. There's the singing as well. Whenever he's bored, or lonely, or happy, or just bit my ankle he starts singing. I never thought anyone, human or not, could sing so much and so horribly. Fatty wants me to teach him the dark lord laugh, but I told him to ask you and shoved him in the closet.  
The picture of you looks very dark lordish. The long hair and slightly insane gleam in your eye works well. Although your forehead is a touch too shiny. Perhaps you should use some powder. I know it does wonders for me.  
The "multi-colored peace sign" your orc was talking about was my new dark mark. I used to have a skull with a snake sticking out of the mouth, but my friend Ronnie told me it scared people. He also said the green mist didn't go with my complexion.   
Well, Fatty is now riding horseback on Wormtail now, so I guess I better get going. DO NOT SEND FATTY AGAIN!  
BFF,  
Voldie  
P.S: I enclosed a picture too.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Dear Voldie,  
I'm sorry about Fatty. He was probably just a bit excited. Your picture looks great too. I like the silvery mist, but why's it moving? Every now and then it starts to do the YMCA. It's quite disconcerting.  
I have a symbol too. It's just a white handprint though. Do you think if I changed my dark mark I could be more successful? Maybe white is too dull of a color. What about neon pink or orange? Maybe I could cast a spell on it so it flashes both colors. That would be - as you say - wicked.  
Were you serious about meeting? I would like to get together sometime. My place is a mess so we should probably meet at your pad. Perhaps you can give me some hints on dealing with the ents and help perfect my evil laugh. Fatty says that mine isn't as scary as yours. He tried to show me how you do it, but he kept snorting and insisting it was part of it. I have suspicions that he wants to overthrow me.  
Do you have a dark lord chant or language? I speak in the Black Tongue and my chant is "As nazg durmbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul." The translation is roughly "I am really cool, I am the bomb, I am really awesome, and actually kinda nice too," but Gandalf translated it wrong. He said he didn't think my version sounded right. He's always doing stuff like that, but it helps me sometimes. All he has to say is "Mordor" in a foreboding tone and everyone gets scared of me. It's pretty cool.  
Write soon,  
Sharkey  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Dear Sharkey,  
It's been pretty quiet around here without Fatty. Maybe I was wrong about the little guy. I'm lonely and need a friend so perhaps you could send him back. I've already bought some shin guards.  
I don't have my own language, per se, but I can speak Parseltongue. I'll tell you some useful phrases:  
sssssssSsss - Saruman  
ssSsssSssss- Voldemort  
sssS ssss Ss - Best Friends Forever  
sssSsssssssS - Fatty  
ssSsssSsssssS SSSsssssS sssssSsSsS - I'm a Dark Lord and Proud of it.  
I hope you find these helpful. I am one of the only people who can speak Parseltongue beside Harry Potter and all snakes. I was thinking of a new symbol for you and I didn't come up with one, but I have something almost as good. You should make shirts that say "My Dark Lord went to Mordor and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." Then you can make all the orcs wear them. You could show Gondor that you have a sense of humor while you are raiding their city.  
What do you think about meeting next month at The Hanged Man? None of the Ministry of Magic hang around there because they're afraid of running into me. My buddy Fudge also takes care of keeping me hidden. It was great when he put the dementors in Hogsmeade. I just wore a black cloak and went to the Three Broomsticks for butterbeer (I don't mind telling you that Madame Rosmerta's a piece!). I'll bring some butterbeer along though and you can bring some more pipeweed. I'll try to get my pals Fred and George to lend me some ton-tongue toffees too. They have a nice buttery goodness to them. It's a shame about the tongue thing, but they keep promising me they'll get better next time. Maybe I could even get Ronnie to come along go give you some hints on fixing up your citadel. He's really good with interior decorating and stuff. I'll also bring Wormtail because he has nothing better to do anyway. Write next time whether you can come or not. Okay?  
BFF,  
Voldie  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Well, that's all I have for now. I may write more and I may not. It all depends if you people like it or not. But these are fun to write anyway. So...PLAH! 


	3. Part...dundundun...3

Letters from a Dark Lord  
By: Angua27  
  
I had a heck of a time writing these last few. I don't know why, but it was really hard so I hope you appreciate this. Grr... Oh, well. I had fun anyway. So...I don't own Saruman or Voldie or whoever I happen to stick in here. I do own Joe though. He's the one that helped me get over my writers cramp although he's pretty insignificant. Thanks to Joe. I think this parts shorter anyway. I'll try to write more. Oh! And I want to thank Karkaroff for the extremely entertaining review. I like Christopher Lowell! Voldie and Saruman like him too, or at least Voldie does. He's going to send Saruman some tapes. Maybe you can subscribe to Dark Lords Weekly. I hear Voldie's planning on writing an article soon.  
  
Part 3  
  
Date: Today  
Dear Voldie,  
Of course I'd like to meet at the Hanged Man. It would be great to talk to Ronnie so he can give me some decorating tips. Gods know I need them! Well, I guess I'll see you soon. I'll come a week from when I send this. I wrote the date at the top of the paper so you wouldn't be confused. I also don't know what calendar system you use. I just put "today" so it would be simple and you could still understand.  
I'm looking at my wardrobe trying to decide what to wear now. I would like to wear my white robes, but ever since Gandalf took over my position as head of the order I feel it's a kind of social taboo if I wear the same thing Gandalf does because he'd get too huffy. Now that he's the head of the order, he's gotten quite a big head. We used to hang out all the time, but ever since I "came out of the citadel" and told him I'm a dark lord he's been so prejudiced. *Sigh* I guess it's his loss that he's so close-minded.   
I tried to speak Parseltongue to a snake that happened to slither into my Secret Chamber. The snake just stared at me and stuck its tongue out. He didn't say anything to me! Can you imagine the nerve? Later I found that snake and skinned it so Wormtongue and I had fried stake for dinner. It's actually really good with ketchup.  
I'm really excited about meeting you finally. I'll talk to you soon.   
Peace Out,  
  
Sharky  
  
  
  
  
Dear Sharky,  
It was really cool meeting you, but I'm afraid the muggles at the Hanged Man didn't like it too much. They kept giving us funny looks when we practiced our evil dark lord laughs. I'd think they'd be used to it by now. They were probably just jealous they can't laugh as coolly (is that a word?) as us. MwhahahahaSNORThahahaha!  
You certainly can hold your liquor well. I've never met anyone who could drink four kegs of Vodka and wash it down with a cyanide chaser. It's great being a Dark Lord. We're damn hard to kill except for the fact the Clever Hero always ends up killing us. That part kind of sucks.  
Anyway, I wanted to tell you what happened on the way home. Okay. So I was walking back and this guy jumped out and said "Voldie! Long time no see!" I was pretty amazed because I don't think I've ever seen him before in my life. And he jumped out of the bushes. That was pretty amazing too. He said his name is Joe and we used to hang out together back at the old school (Hogwarts, that is). I didn't really remember him, but here's the good part. He says he knows you. Since Hogwarts, he opened up a dark lord delivery service called Dark Lord Delivery Service. It's a highly underrepresented occupation, but I'm glad the old boy's up to it. I never even heard of it until last Tuesday, but he said he's delivered to you before. It'll be much easier to send packages from now on.  
Times running short now, so I'm gonna go.  
BFF,  
Voldie  
  
  
  
  
  
Dear Voldie,  
That's really a coincidence about Joe. You are talking about Joe Dela, right? Then again, I suppose there aren't a lot of Joes in the trade. It's highly specialized.  
I took your advice about the ents. I put some weed killer around the citadel and they haven't done more than stare threateningly from the borders yet. I had some extra so I snuck into Mordor and put some on Samwise's favourite flower bed. I hid a tree and watched when he showed up to water them in the morning. I must say, I laughed more than I have since last Tuesday. The hobbit was practically in seizures over those daisies. When he saw me though, I practically got in big trouble. "I'm gonna tell Mister Frodo and he'll cut off your pipeweed run," he said. I stuck my tongue out at him and ran like the dickens. I'm thinking this letter isn't going to get to you very quickly because there's this hobbit army surrounding my citadel. Don't laugh! Hobbits are quite scary in groups.   
The Hanged Man was really fun. I loved how you put that chatterbox curse on that one man. His wife looked upset, but I just couldn't believe anyone could speak that quickly. I don't even think he breathed. Your world has much better drinks. I mean we have PINTS, but not, say, Mike's Hard Lemonade. Man that stuff is zingy. We're going to have to start a Mike's Hard Lemonade-pipeweed trade. We can both make a mint and retire. Just kidding! You know what they say, once a Dark Lord, always a Dark Lord. Ah, well. Talk to you soon.  
Peace Out,  
Sharky  
  
  
**  
  
'Kay! That's it for now. Voldie'll be replying soon. Until then, heed this shameless plug and read something else I wrote, or, because I have to at least try to be nice to others, read some of my favourite stories. Tschus! 


	4. Hmmm... what comes after 3?

Letters from a Dark Lord  
  
By: Angua27  
  
Wow, it's been quite a while since I last updated this. I've been so busy with other things I haven't been updating what Rosie says is my best fic. Thank you Paw! I think I'll now take this moment to insert a plug. ::begin plug:: I have a community! It's supposed to be a lotr/hp round robin, but it's turning more into a place just for interactive stuff. Anyway, the addy is www.communities.msn.com/LotRHPRoundRobin Please join! ::end plug:: I hope you enjoy this!  
  
Part 4  
  
Sharky M'man!  
  
I am in such a good mood today! I was on the front cover of The Daily Prophet!!! Fudge decided he better tell the world that I'm in power again because I kept bugging him. He's so fun to annoy. So anyway, Fudge got Rita Skeeter to write an article on me and it was pretty creative. They got a bunch of people to say they saw me at a disco club. It's really not Skeeter's style, but I think Fudge put a bug in her ear. (a/n yes, I know, that was a reeeeaaally bad pun) He can be nice like that sometimes. I'm sending you the cutout because it's so exciting. Eep!  
  
I'm glad to hear about the ents. I know I hate having gnomes in my garden and they're much smaller than your ents. I hope your pipeweed supply doesn't get cut off! I would be quite upset.  
  
I'm thinking of getting a new job. Just a side thing to pay the bills, you know? I was going to work at the disco club, but now everyone will be showing up and wanting autographs or dark marks or something. I just can't stand the though of a bunch of teenybopper death eaters running around. Their parents always want them home at a reasonable hour and they send me howlers whenever the kiddies get caught by the Ministry. So I'll probably end up getting a job at Burger King. They get to wear cool little hats and maybe I'll get a discount. I just love them Whoppers.  
  
Write back,  
  
Voldie  
  
The Newspaper Article:  
  
Voldemort Sighted!  
  
By: Rita Skeeter  
  
Yes, you read correctly. Apparently, the Dark Lord that was supposed to have vanished 14 years ago has been seen once again. Dozens of people stormed the Daily Prophet this morning demanding an explanation on why the scorn of wizards everywhere was even allowed in "Disco Dave's: The Club for Wicked Wizards," the disco hall he was apparently in. Daily Prophet writer, Rita Skeeter, spoke with some of the witnesses, including the club's owner, Disco Dave. "I dunno how he got in, man, really! It's not like you expect a vanquished dark lord to come to your disco hall. He looked just like everyone else!" Another patron, though, claimed that this was not the case. "I don't see how you could miss him," said Ronald Weasley, student at Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, " He was taking up the entire dance floor with his moves. He was even break- dancing. It was wicked!" There you have the exclusive story which we at the Daily Prophet will be following closely.  
  
  
  
**  
  
Dear Voldie,  
  
Congrats on the cameo! I wonder if they could put me in The Gondor Times. I could be citizen of the week. That would be so cool! You're so lucky that you're "in" with your leader. That Aragorn dude is way to "I'm so high and mighty. I'm a king. I was raised by elves. I helped save all Middle-Earth from an evil dark lord." Sheesh! You'd think he was a Valar or something.  
  
Well, the ent saga has taken a new turn. Somehow they've gotten a hold of potato guns. Don't even bother asking how. I suspect Samwise gave them to them. They also have surprisingly good aim for walking trees. I'll just say that if you come over, stay far away from the windows and don't even think about going outside. How long does weed killer work? Because I think the ents seem to be creeping closer. Good thing they're against being hasty otherwise I wouldn't have a citadel left. Could you send me some floo powder before they get any closer? I sooo need to get out of here.  
  
Next time I come to your place we must go to a disco club. Aragorn recently closed Gondor's down. He's such a butt! At least Denethor knew how to have fun. Granted, he was a bit homicidally insane and a closet pyro, but he was FUN! You should have seen him on the dance color. Yes, those were the good old days. You're so lucky to live in dark times. It's so much more fun than peace.  
  
Peace Out,  
  
Sharky  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Dear Sharky,  
  
I really don't know what to tell you about the ents except maybe you should move. Huge citadels are wonderful and very classy, but just a little showy. Citadels are more suited for when you're in power. Once they "defeat" you, it's smarter to high tail it out because angry (and very arrogant) villagers tend to burn them down. You're lucky you got to keep your citadel for so long, but I think it's time to put up the "For Sale by Owner" sign, old pal. I know it's going to be tough, but there will be more citadels in your future. I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you.  
  
Speaking of houses, I'm thinking of moving. I've been living the last year or so at my dad's old place. It's really bad. I think it's finally time to get my own headquarters. Maybe I'll even get my own citadel. After all, my power is rising and pretty soon I'll need a bigger place to keep my legions of dementors and death eaters. The dementors can be really picky about their rooms. They won't sleep anywhere except on water beds with feather pillows. They also like a LOT of pink. Dementors, go figure. I should probably just take over Azkaban because all my dudes are in there anyway. LOL  
  
I started my job at Burger King on Tuesday. Everyone has been really nice. They were especially nice after I cast Cruciatus on a whiny customer. The manager has even been paying me extra to take longer lunch breaks which gives me more time to plot my world takeover. I'm beginning to think I shouldn't be so mean to muggles – nah.  
  
BFF,  
  
Voldie  
  
  
  
**  
  
Dear Voldie,  
  
I guess you're right. It is about time to give up the old thing, but it's so hard! We've had so many good times together. It's like loosing a good friend. Could you send me some more floo powder? See, I used what you sent me to move everything out and when I came back to make sure I didn't forget anything I kind of got stuck. Boy, do I feel stupid! The ents are getting really close so HURRY!  
  
I've decided to start my own dance club. I was thinking about how much Gondor needs a place to hang out and instead of complaining about it I should do something. You also said that you were starting at Burger King (thanks for the crown, by the way) so it got me thinking about my own business. Of course I can't walk into Gondor looking like I do now because they'd stone me, but I've made some changes. I dyed my hair brown and I wear it in a ponytail. I stole my clothing style from Legolas because it seems like chicks dig it. I also trimmed my nails and got contacts. I'm going to call myself Figwit. Isn't that a cool name? I really hope no one recognizes me because this dance club could be a good thing! I know I'm excited.  
  
I bet you're really busy with your job and rising to power and stuff, but I really think we should meet again. I could bring some pipeweed and I would really like some more Mike's Hard Lemonade. Maybe I could sell it at my dance club. By the way, what do you think I should call it? I need a really good name so please help me out!  
  
Peace Out,  
  
Sharky  
  
**  
  
If you didn't get the Figwit joke go to my community. I have the link to Figwit Lives! in my news section and I'll be moving it to links really soon. Sorry, I really couldn't resist. Review! Please, tell me if you want more. 


	5. This would be a FUNF!

Letters From a Dark Lord  
  
By: Angua27  
  
Kay. I don't have much to say today. I like this part. I wrote it all in a half hour and that makes me very proud. I'm so excited!!! Sorry. I had to do that… you'll understand later. I've been working for almost eight hours today so I'm kind of restless. R/r!  
  
Part 5  
  
Dear Sharkey,  
  
Wow! You're going to start a pub? That's going to be soooo wicked! I can't wat until you're done. I saw your picture. I wouldn't be able to recognize you. As a matter of fact, I think I saw your pic on this Muggle thing called the internet. I'll send a printout to you. It's kind of funny.  
  
My boss graciously gave me two weeks off with pay. Can you believe it!? I bet he's just really impressed with my customer service skills. Why just the other day I used Aveda Kedavra on a man who was yelling at him. He must think really highly of me. I've barely been working here a month! Anyway, I might use my vacation to come visit you. If you're not completely set up by then I can help you out. We'll brainstorm for a name then.  
  
I just joined a dating service. I know I've got a lot going on right now, but it would be nice to be able to sit back and have fun with someone once in a while. Being a Dark Lord can get pretty lonesome. Here's my ad:  
  
Dark Lord Seeks Dark Lady  
  
SWPM seeks SWF 25-100. Likes persecuting muggles, talking to snakes, and long walks in the rain. Must be NS. Awaiting your owl. 9853  
  
So what do you think? I might change it around a bit later. If someone answers maybe I'll bring her with me to your club for a date. Maybe you could set up some romantic lights and play "Endless Love". That would be great.  
  
Well 'tis all for now (isn't "'tis" a cool word?). Write soon!  
  
BFF,  
  
Voldie  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Dear Voldie,  
  
Thanks soooo much for the floo powder. I got out just in time. You should see what those overgrown toothpicks did to my citadel! The poor thing. They should be glad that citadels don't get up and storm forests that knock their buddies down. I'd like to see that! The worst part is, my citadel never even did anything to them! It was really my fault! Not that I'm complaining they didn't knock me down. They could have torn apart the orcs apart instead though. Yes, that would have been much better.  
  
Okay, so now I'm sitting in my new pub!!! You can't imagine how excited I am!!! It was really hard financing this thing, but Sauron didn't have anything to do with all his cash so he gave me a loan. See, a lot of people still send him donations for his "Help Sauron Overthrow the Pretty- Boy King" fund. He couldn't think of any was to overthrow him after the ring was gone though, so now he just keeps the money. He keeps getting weekly checks from this "Unnamed, but Incredibly Sexy Elven Prince" that say Aragorn isn't hot enough to be king and he's a good-for-nothing bum that doesn't return hair care products when Elbereth knows he didn't even use them in the first place. It's kind of freaky. But anyway, I'm really grateful to old Sauron. He really is a good eye deep down.  
  
I'm sorry I'm babbling, but I'm so excited!!! (I think I mentioned that already.) I guess I should be going. There's so much to do around here!!! This place is a bit of a fixer-upper. Let's just say I have this great view of those famous white towers through my roof. Oh! You must tell me about your date!  
  
Peace Out,  
  
Sharkey  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Dear Sharkey,  
  
Wow! The new place sounds so exciting (!!!). There must be so much to do. Unfortunately, I have a lot to do too. I've begun making my first real moves as a re-born Dark Lord. I have to go out about 4 nights a week to kill muggles and show off my dark mark. Fudge is kind of upset because he has to at least pretend he's working now. He says he was getting quite good at free cell too. My boss has been understanding about the whole thing. He says I can work as little as I want to. He's a great guy.  
  
My major trouble is this dude Dumbledore (I think I've mentioned him). He keeps trying to overthrow me with his lame Order of the Cockatoo or whatever he's calling it now. I wish he'd just stick to break-dancing and leave me alone. He's much better at break-dancing anyway. Harry's joined him (in fighting me, not break-dancing) and he's even more annoying. He thinks his mother's love protected him from me when he was a baby (Dumbledore's doing again) when the truth is I was laughing so hard I missed. It happens to the best of us and he was one funny-looking kid.  
  
I've gotten a few answers on my ad. There's one lady, Enid, and I think I'm going to call her. She sounds really cool. She likes knitting and everything! I'll be sure to tell you how it goes.  
  
BFF,  
  
Volemeister (hee hee!)  
  
**  
  
So that's it for now. As I was typing this I realized how many demonstrative pronouns I used. My English teacher would kill me, but I'm trying to write in a conversational tone and I don't know if it's working. Do you think I'm using to many "this"'s and "that"s? Please tell me so I know because I'm sure I do it in other stories too. 


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